God Is Still Here in This Desert Too

I love JJ Heller's music. On the first Friday of every month for the last year and a half, she's been putting out an original song. I look forward to it and subsequently have it on repeat that whole month. This month was no exception and it seems to come right when I need it.

Yesterday was a hard and a not so hard day all wrapped in one. It was just repetitive. And Dallin was fussy all morning and so trying to get him to sleep was a struggle. I didn't realize how tired I was until I knelt down to pray for my evening prayers and felt like my legs gave out. I've been having some cramping and restlessness in my legs that added to me feeling drained.

As I knelt down the first thing that came to my mind was the lyrics to her song this month, "What if God is still here in this desert too?" and I broke down and sobbed. All the lights were turned off, everyone was in bed (I finally had put Dallin down), and I just had a moment to myself to gather my thoughts and feelings. This wave of emotion came over me that I was not expecting. 

One of the first thoughts that I had was that there's a reason why God wants us on our knees to pray. After a long day, I recognize that my strength is weak and I need His strength to help me through. I recognize that I'm not on my knees enough in prayer. Since having a baby, my morning prayers are usually while I'm nursing Dallin so I tend to go all day without kneeling and being really prayerful. I recognize there are times and seasons in life and I just have to try to do what I can but I've been feeling a need to do better.

So in some ways I feel like I'm in this 'desert' with lack of 'spiritual water' that comes from being connected with God in prayer and scripture study and a host of other times too. I don't think this is what she meant by these lyrics but to me, the desert is the un-flourished parts of my life that need a lot of attention. It's the days and seasons of life where things aren't going so smoothly or as easily. Where I feel at a lost in some ways. But then I just need to sit (or kneel) and be still and know He's there and guiding me. Because He always is. Even, or especially, in our 'desert' times.

The last verse of her song always gets to me.

What if all my life I wrestle with my worry and anxiety?

What if the thorn deep in my side is only there to help me see

That though I never ask for it, the desert is God's gift to me?