Wednesday, February 22, 2017

I Hope I'm Not Defined By These Seven Months

Documenting every blood test/treatment

There was an article on today that really resonated with me and I just wanted to give it a big AMEN! It's about trying to find what God's plan means for your life and how to not worry about making the wrong or right choice, but to create a good life with the Lord. 

This topic has been on my mind a lot. Pretty much ever since we moved from Rexburg over two years ago. My constant worry is "what should I be doing next?" "What am I supposed to do with my life?" I ended a job a few months ago so here are some possible ideas: go back to school, get a job (besides the babysitting I'm doing), volunteer, work on projects (be it piano, hand lettering, new painting idea), etc. 

I'm sure there are people who are like, "duh, Julia, it's kind of obvious that you should x,y, or z." But for me it's so hard. It causes me so much anxiety just thinking about it. 

I'm so scared about making the wrong choice that I'm paralyzed by fear to make any choices, which I'm realizing is not what the Lord wants me to do. He doesn't want me to be afraid to make choices. The whole point of coming down to earth was to have the opportunities to make choices.

And here's my next big realization for my life: it's okay to make mistakes. Yeah, well, I probably should have learned that a long time ago but in my paralyzing of doing the wrong thing, I've decided that it's better to not do anything at all to avoid making mistakes. Big fail. 

What I'm realizing in myself is that I spend way too much time thinking what other people's opinions of me are and that they matter. It sounds dumb but sometimes I think they are thinking about me and what I'm doing with my life and secretly judging me. That sentence just made me laugh because first of all, I'm not that amazing for people to be thinking about me all the time, and second of all, people are thinking about their life more anyway, right? (This is just an example of how twisted our thinking can be. My Mom has been telling me this for years but I'm starting to learn it. Don't worry, Mom, I'll get there!)

I sometimes avoid social gatherings because I dread the question of "so what do you do all day?" Well frankly I don't know because I'm still figuring that out. Is that okay? It's hard not to feel this constant judgment hanging over your head. It causes a lot of anxiety and that is something that I know I need to work on. It's been something that manifested itself more than anything when I was 18 working at job where I got yelled at almost every day. I would have to hold to the kitchen counter and take deep breaths because I didn't know what was coming over me. Even though I don't have those exact emotions now, fear, doubt, and constant worry just seem to be a constant daily battle. Let's just say I've been wearing a lot more "war paint" as Austin would call it (aka my mascara running on my cheeks). :)

This is turning into a rather depressing post (sorry!) but something I do know is that every time I'm going through a trial, there is something I need to learn from this. It's so hard to see it in the moment but I always look back with a "oh yeah, that's the reason why I needed that trial." My mind immediately looks back on my awful skin issue situation, which I was PLEADING to be done with. But not until a year later did I receive an answer. And as much as I hated that issue in my life, I'm so grateful that it happened. It was probably the only way for the Lord to give me a wake-up call and tell me I needed to change some things in my life. And who knows how that answer will be manifested even more down the road. 

Deep down, the hardest part about figuring out what to do with my life is that the life I envisioned is not being fulfilled. I've always wanted to be a mom but here we are going on month five of fertility treatments. I just really didn't see myself ever having a career outside of being a mom (I know some "aspiring Mormon women" would just shake their heads at me and tell me that I should have done more with my life and prepared better) but well, that's my life. I'm not giving up hope. We've only just begun and the assurances from the Spirit are real and powerful. 

Here's what I am doing with my life: I'm holding onto covenants for dear life, like I've never had before. Going to the temple reminds me that it's going to be alright in the end. I'm a girl that needs a lot of reminders and hearing the words in the temple is my safe haven. I reflect the time I served as an ordinance worker in the Rexburg Temple as my saving grace. I felt like I was doing good, fulfilling work that the Lord was really pleased with. I felt at home, comfortable, totally in my element. I'm also trying to study the scriptures, cherish priesthood blessings, be a good friend, and help those in need. 

We'll be in Moscow for about seven more months and I hope I'm not defined for the rest of my life by what I did (or didn't) do in these months. It may happen that at the end of our time here that I still don't know what I'm doing with my life or that I'm still not pregnant, but hopefully I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. 

And that I made a lot of mistakes. 

*Do you relate? Have you been ever paralyzed by fear of making the wrong or right choice? 


  1. I've felt that too, where I delay so much in making decision in fear I'll make the wrong one -- usually about simple things, but they seem important to me. It's like why can't we see in the future if we picked choice a or choice b or choice c.

    But don't be insecure about not working an 8-5pm job or going to school, I actually SO envy you. Just because so and so works or so and so went back to school doesn't mean you have to or should -- everyone is different. I envy how much you've learned through books, cooking, serving others, hand lettering, etc.
    And your last couple paragraphs were so self-evaluation like, it totally made me reconsider if i should watch last man standing for 2 hours every night, thanks alot.

    1. Haha Emily! You last comment made me laugh out loud. I love all that you're doing and going with faith on so many things. Thanks for your example.

  2. Excellent post, Julia. Wow, it's powerful. I learned so much just reading about your experiences and your thoughts in relationship to them. You are blessed with wisdom and you are spiritually mature beyond your years. Thanks for the courage it must've taken to share your heart. I'm so proud of you. You are amazing! Love you so much.

  3. Yes! I can relate to these feelings!! I've been learning a lot about this too and how I need to "let go" a little to experience what I need to experience. And often times it's through those "failed" moments do we learn the most.
    I've been amazed by your hope, faith and good attitude through it all though! Thanks for sharing your thoughts

    1. Yes the failed moments are when you learn the most. Thanks for the reminder!

  4. I can relate to being paralyzed by too many options. I usually do much better if there are only a couple of choices and I have to pick one of them! You'll get there. Like you said, it may not be until later and you're looking back, but this is part of your journey right now for a reason.
    Hugs and all my best hopes for your fertility treatments to work out!

  5. I remember having very similar feelings a few years ago after we graduated from BYU and moved across the country for my husband to go to law school. I didn't have a job, I wasn't going to school, I wasn't pregnant or expecting to become pregnant any time soon, and I just sort of fell apart not really knowing what to do with myself all day (although, in contrast, I was paralyzed by what felt like a lack of choices, not a multiplicity of them). Now, almost seven years later, my life is in such a different place and going in directions I never dreamed possible at that time. It's probably not what you want to hear right now, but at some future time you will look back and wonder why you ever worried because everything so obviously worked out for the best. It's okay you haven't figured out what you want to do with your life yet, the Lord will help you get there. (P.S. Thanks for sharing this rather vulnerable post, it was good to get to know you in this more personal way, and I hope and pray your motherhood dreams come true!)

    1. Suzanne, it's exactly what I need to hear right now. Perspective is everything and like you said, I'll wonder why I was so worried down the road. Thanks for your thoughts!