Random Summer Adventures

Here's my attempt to clump summertime in one post. We did have pockets of trips visiting family but here is the in between. Remember how we thought we were only going to be here till the end of July? Well, nope, still here! It really is all good. Not totally what we were expecting but at the same time I wouldn't want to be anywhere else while we are limboing this time out. Austin can still do work with the IAC and I'm looking for more part-time work along with me working at the farmer's market.

I did end up taking piano lessons from my friend Melanie and it's probably the best decision I made this year. I learned so much and it reinvigorated my desire to keep it up. Since her and husband, Paul, are on their way to Chicago for more schooling, I'm trying to figure out who I should get as a new teacher. We're really going to miss them! They were some of our favorite Moscow people.

On our last day of piano lessons (tear).

 Part of the time working at the farmer's market, our booth was right next to these beauties. 

Walking through the arboretum

We went to Spring Valley Reservoir which is so pretty and peaceful. It's hard to tell but it was lightly sprinkling too. Just lovely. 

I mentioned that I loved this painting a couple of times and so my Mom, two of my sisters, and Austin pitched in to get it for me for my birthday. Isn't it beautiful?! Caitlin Connolly does some incredible work. 

The sunset right before an epic thunderstorm.

Robinson's park. We had this little hike all by ourselves on a Friday night and it was just awesome. 

Made homemade salsa for the first time and it was amazing. I think I've been making it every weeks since. 

Since I started working at the farmer's market, I've felt the pull to support all these vendors like this man's artisan bread. It's out of this world good. 

Summertime would not be complete without readings on my favorite park bench. 

Not-sure-where-to-look-selfie. This was taken right after we got to talk with the youth in our Church about strengthening their faith and testimony.

Even though we are still in Moscow, we moved to another apartment. It helped to get rid of some stuff but I would never get rid of this beauty. This was my Grandma Lewis' that she received from either her parents or grandparents back in 1940 for Christmas. I love these types of family history treasures. The best part is she wrote notes and underlined passages. #gograndma

AHH! The phantom's voice was so beautiful, I could cry. The whole production was amazing. First time seeing it on stage. 

Intermission time. Right before Austin took a little nap (see pic below).

This is me trying to sneak up on Austin at work. You can't tell from this picture but he is bobbing his head up and down getting into that Christian rock music. ;)

Driving through the Columbia River Gorge and practically smelling home because we're getting so close. 

Oh hey, I cut my hair and actually curled it and got a new hat so a Sunday selfie to document it was necessary. 

I'm realizing that Austin and I don't always have great dinner conversations but as soon as we get outside and start walking or shooting hoops, that's when our best and funniest conversations happen. 

Homemade ice cream for dinner because #moving. 

We also did a lot of eating out (okay 4 times this month which is huge for us-we usually only do once maybe).  But anything to survive this moving thing. Unfortunately, the day we were moving our big stuff, our car got hit by a truck and damaged the side so now we can't drive it. Luckily it's beautiful and warm so we can walk everywhere but our poor Corolla. It's been through a lot these last few years. 

On our way to get groceries which I'm so grateful we did it the night before our accident. And glad we're already in a new place instead of trying to figure out living situation whether we were going to stay here or not. It would be so hard without a car. And glad it didn't happen the week before when we needed to get to the airport to fly to Utah for a reunion.

Just a little tidbit about our moving thing just to remind me of some small tender mercies. A few days before we were starting to stress about moving, I was walking outside and just felt this overwhelming peace that things were going to work out in life. Again, this was a few days before we realized that we needed to get things going with finding a new place but still. I'm just grateful I felt that at the time.

There was a lot of unknowns whether we should stay here in Moscow and risk the year lease or move in with his parents for unseeable amount of time, or go live at Carol's and having to move out when they sell it, and then there were a lot of unknowns if we were going to get certain apartments at a specific time we wanted.

I was getting a lot of anxiety and my brain was just blocked of thinking very clearly. I'm a part of the Be Bold Membership through Bold New Mom and they have this "ask Jody" where you can ask her any questions at any time. I explained my situation and this was her response which I really appreciated.

"The timing of the apartment and the job is going to work out perfectly. 

Isn’t that a relief? 

You’re welcome. 

When people invite me to worry about things in the future that I couldn’t possibly predict I politely decline by believing the opposite of what they’re telling me to worry about. And guess what…. it always works. The future ALWAYS works out. Sometimes not in the way I expected but it always does and I keep all the power over creating my future, dealing with challenges and it’s the best way to live. 

Another thought I would be having if I were you is, “It might be hard for most people to get out of a contract but not me. I’m not most people. I will make it happen if necessary.” 

The invitation to worry comes from the right place but it’s still not necessary or useful. I would like to invite you to not worry one bit."

It's interesting that once we signed the contract, then I felt at peace. I think her response also helped and I just needed that encouragement that it's going to work out and we're going to figure this out. We'll make it through. I have to remind myself that I've made it this far in life and it's gone just fine. Somehow it works out so I just need to keep pressing forward. I love summertime but am excited to know that BYU football starts this month which means BYUtv sports will be back on almost every day. I can't wait. :)

I Hope I'm Not Defined By These Seven Months

Documenting every blood test/treatment

There was an article on lds.org today that really resonated with me and I just wanted to give it a big AMEN! It's about trying to find what God's plan means for your life and how to not worry about making the wrong or right choice, but to create a good life with the Lord. 

This topic has been on my mind a lot. Pretty much ever since we moved from Rexburg over two years ago. My constant worry is "what should I be doing next?" "What am I supposed to do with my life?" I ended a job a few months ago so here are some possible ideas: go back to school, get a job (besides the babysitting I'm doing), volunteer, work on projects (be it piano, hand lettering, new painting idea), etc. 

I'm sure there are people who are like, "duh, Julia, it's kind of obvious that you should x,y, or z." But for me it's so hard. It causes me so much anxiety just thinking about it. 

I'm so scared about making the wrong choice that I'm paralyzed by fear to make any choices, which I'm realizing is not what the Lord wants me to do. He doesn't want me to be afraid to make choices. The whole point of coming down to earth was to have the opportunities to make choices.

And here's my next big realization for my life: it's okay to make mistakes. Yeah, well, I probably should have learned that a long time ago but in my paralyzing of doing the wrong thing, I've decided that it's better to not do anything at all to avoid making mistakes. Big fail. 

What I'm realizing in myself is that I spend way too much time thinking what other people's opinions of me are and that they matter. It sounds dumb but sometimes I think they are thinking about me and what I'm doing with my life and secretly judging me. That sentence just made me laugh because first of all, I'm not that amazing for people to be thinking about me all the time, and second of all, people are thinking about their life more anyway, right? (This is just an example of how twisted our thinking can be. My Mom has been telling me this for years but I'm starting to learn it. Don't worry, Mom, I'll get there!)

I sometimes avoid social gatherings because I dread the question of "so what do you do all day?" Well frankly I don't know because I'm still figuring that out. Is that okay? It's hard not to feel this constant judgment hanging over your head. It causes a lot of anxiety and that is something that I know I need to work on. It's been something that manifested itself more than anything when I was 18 working at job where I got yelled at almost every day. I would have to hold to the kitchen counter and take deep breaths because I didn't know what was coming over me. Even though I don't have those exact emotions now, fear, doubt, and constant worry just seem to be a constant daily battle. Let's just say I've been wearing a lot more "war paint" as Austin would call it (aka my mascara running on my cheeks). :)

This is turning into a rather depressing post (sorry!) but something I do know is that every time I'm going through a trial, there is something I need to learn from this. It's so hard to see it in the moment but I always look back with a "oh yeah, that's the reason why I needed that trial." My mind immediately looks back on my awful skin issue situation, which I was PLEADING to be done with. But not until a year later did I receive an answer. And as much as I hated that issue in my life, I'm so grateful that it happened. It was probably the only way for the Lord to give me a wake-up call and tell me I needed to change some things in my life. And who knows how that answer will be manifested even more down the road. 

Deep down, the hardest part about figuring out what to do with my life is that the life I envisioned is not being fulfilled. I've always wanted to be a mom but here we are going on month five of fertility treatments. I just really didn't see myself ever having a career outside of being a mom (I know some "aspiring Mormon women" would just shake their heads at me and tell me that I should have done more with my life and prepared better) but well, that's my life. I'm not giving up hope. We've only just begun and the assurances from the Spirit are real and powerful. 

Here's what I am doing with my life: I'm holding onto covenants for dear life, like I've never had before. Going to the temple reminds me that it's going to be alright in the end. I'm a girl that needs a lot of reminders and hearing the words in the temple is my safe haven. I reflect the time I served as an ordinance worker in the Rexburg Temple as my saving grace. I felt like I was doing good, fulfilling work that the Lord was really pleased with. I felt at home, comfortable, totally in my element. I'm also trying to study the scriptures, cherish priesthood blessings, be a good friend, and help those in need. 

We'll be in Moscow for about seven more months and I hope I'm not defined for the rest of my life by what I did (or didn't) do in these months. It may happen that at the end of our time here that I still don't know what I'm doing with my life or that I'm still not pregnant, but hopefully I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. 

And that I made a lot of mistakes. 

*Do you relate? Have you been ever paralyzed by fear of making the wrong or right choice?