Comparisons and the Fear of Judgement

Comparisons and fear of judgement have been on my mind a lot. I just listened to this BYU devotional about this very thing. And that's exactly what comparison and fear of judgement naturally tend us to do: think more about ourselves. And in effect, I do less for others because of what it might look for me.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and instantly when I got off the phone, I felt the pangs of the thought, "I'm not doing 'life' right." "What she is doing is better, I should be doing that", and this never ending cycle of not feeling enough.

My sister and I had a similar conversation last week about comparisons that the world has kind of determined for us that skinny means beautiful and fat does not. Or that growing old is not attractive, etc. But what if we're completely wrong about that? What if we've just not allowed ourselves to believe anything else? My thought was that I think we hold on to these ideas because if we think that there is this standard then when we get there we can somehow feel enough or that we're okay. Or on the flip side, it's almost like we can sigh a side of relief when we compare and say, 'well at least I'm not like them.' 

Of course there is also the devastating of a false standard to make us think we're not enough or okay. But thus we decide to hold this standard so once we get there, then our feelings can change. But we're always going to find something else because getting 'there' is never going to make us feel anything. Only our thoughts.

I've compared myself relentlessly ever since I was little. And I know if I look for it, I will for sure find it (hello social media).

Comparisons and fear of judgement just stand in my way from actually doing important work. And there is nothing like mothering that tries to send you blaring signals that someone else's kid is doing it right. Let me just give you a train of thought I had recently about this.

I have a friend who I haven't seen in a few months and I was htinking about inviting her to storytime (something we used to do together) or to a game night with the Relief Society sisters. She has one son who is 10 days older than Dallin. He's been walking since June. Dallin still won't go of our hands when he wants to walk. So immediately my brain went to, 'well, if you invite her to storytime, you're going to have to face being judged because Dallin is so much farther behind in development than him. So it's best not to invite her because it just sounds embarassing to admit that you're child still doesn't know how to walk.'

Logically I know this ridiculous but that is how brains work! They make you think up some crazy story.

I loved hearing a coaching call where she always answers her brain, "ok, maybe, and so what." So yes, my friend could judge me, so what?

And aren't kids the best? Dallin wouldn't care one lick that he wasn't walking and that his friend was. He probably would be glad to just to see a different face than his own mother! I have to remind myself that this kid knows what he's doing in terms of development. He does things on his own time and he's not worried one bit about rushing, as I sometimes do. He's not thinking about how come other kids his age are walking and not him. He just does his thing.

That's what I want to do. Just do my own thing. Have my back on who I am, compare myself only to my own progress, and be excited about other people's success. Because we're all on one big team, racing against sin. What a wonderful thing it is to take part in what good things people are doing. I can benefit from the good they can offer.