There's Room for You At the Table

I think I've mentioned it before but I've loved the Come, Follow Me for individuals and families study manual. It's been so enlightening for my individual study. This week again hit home some things that I kind of forgot about.

In Luke 14, it teaches about the parable of the supper. The man invites all these people to come but they can't make it. Then he tells his servants to bring the blind and the lame and how there was room enough for them.

I love listening to "Don't Miss This" videos each week for my study. When they were talking about this parable, they said this parable is all about those who feel like they are in the margins. And how there is room for you at the table. That last line was exactly the same thing that the Spirit whispered to me in October 2016.

We were living in Moscow and were in our new ward for about 6 months. I was starting to play basketball which helped to open up new friendships but there was still something that I felt nagging that I 'lacked': I didn't have any kids. And I didn't feel like I could relate or be real friends with anyone because it was almost like 'what is there else to talk about.' And in a church culture where it's focused on, it can be lonely and awkward at times.

One week in October I was feeling the anxiety of where do we fit in if we don't have kids? How can we fit in as a couple? How can we belong here? It was something that was pressing on my mind a lot because I knew in just a few short days, we would be talking to an OB/GYN about tests for fertility.

So many unknowns. But I also have to say, looking back, I'm so proud of myself for doing something that is hard. Making that call and then waiting 6 weeks out to see someone is scary. No doubt about it.

Two days before this appointment, we had a ward fundraiser where it was dinner and a show put on by our youth to raise funds for camp and high adventure. There was a silent auction in the back which is where we were hanging out when we first got there. Then my new friend, Wendy, from basketball comes over and says, 'hey, are you guys sitting anywhere because you can come and sit at our table.'

Now, Wendy had no idea my upcoming appointment and knew nothing of what I was feeling that week. She's a spiritual gal so maybe she was prompted but I also know that's the type of person she is, but either way, it was a true tender mercy. It was the smallest thing really. But here she was, inviting us plus an older lady in the ward to come sit at her table with her and her fun loving family.

That's when the Spirit whispered the answer that I needed that week, "there's room for you at the table. Room for you at church, in your ward, in your family." And sometimes it's getting inviting to an actual table to realize that and other times it's just pulling up a figurative chair and making room for yourself even when you feel like there's not enough room.

As it happened, Wendy was conducting the primary children the next morning in the primary program at church. The last song the kids sang was an original from Kamie Jacobs Bolen called "Press Forward" and I loved it so much that I found the sample of the song on her website and had it playing on repeat the morning of our appointment. It helped calm my nerves.

The whole experience was another testament of God's tender mercies and He answers in ways we did not expect and through other people.

So here's to all of us in the margins at some point in our lives and still finding room for us and others at the table. Because really, there is always enough.

JJ Heller also sings about this very thing. :) 

Some Easter Thoughts

Are you familiar with The Small Seed? I've been following them for some time and I just love what they do. They put together this Easter study guide complete with pictures and ideas for how to incorporate The Holy Week leading up to Easter. 

It's kind of sad that I've never really done much to prepare for Easter in the past and while I could have stressed out thinking that I needed to start any and all traditions with that (it's so different when you don't have kids, you know?) I felt the need to study more of the Savior's week leading up to his death and resurrection. And this kind of study this week was exactly what I needed and I gained so many new insights. 

I've been taking this Isaiah institute class and this last Tuesday we talked about Christ being the "perfect brightness of hope." Something that I never caught on before was He never discussed in detail His suffering even though He could have or that there was an opportunity to. He quotes sections of Isaiah but does not quote the section about Him being bruised for our iniquities or with His stripes we are healed. It's like he purposely skipped over that part. He only mentions the hope that comes when we follow Him. One mentioned in class that it might be because we could focus so much on the detail of how He suffered rather than understand what that suffering means for us and how we can be changed through it. I thought President Nelson's talk on that this last conference was very fitting. 

I kept thinking about Christ's admonition to love one another. Why is that brought up so much? Well, God knows us humans really well. And it was a commandment that would need to be taught again and again. Especially in our day of social media and the comparison trap. One thing that I've been learning more and more is that we're all on the same team. We're all on the fight against sin and not against each other. When I think of it that way, I'm more inclined to cheer on people and be excited for all their accomplishments because it's all about of the teams' success. :) And that's why we are here to have compassion and love and not to judge. Rarely do we know people's full situation and so having a little more compassion can go a long way. We're all on this journey together. 

Through this study, the question that I had at the top of my study journal was, "if I was there during Jesus' time, where would I have been during the Holy Week?" I loved studying that question while reading Sis. Burton's talk last Women's Session about 'certain women'. 

I'm so grateful for this time of year of renewal and hope. He truly is the Prince of Peace!

I Hope I'm Not Defined By These Seven Months

Documenting every blood test/treatment

There was an article on lds.org today that really resonated with me and I just wanted to give it a big AMEN! It's about trying to find what God's plan means for your life and how to not worry about making the wrong or right choice, but to create a good life with the Lord. 

This topic has been on my mind a lot. Pretty much ever since we moved from Rexburg over two years ago. My constant worry is "what should I be doing next?" "What am I supposed to do with my life?" I ended a job a few months ago so here are some possible ideas: go back to school, get a job (besides the babysitting I'm doing), volunteer, work on projects (be it piano, hand lettering, new painting idea), etc. 

I'm sure there are people who are like, "duh, Julia, it's kind of obvious that you should x,y, or z." But for me it's so hard. It causes me so much anxiety just thinking about it. 

I'm so scared about making the wrong choice that I'm paralyzed by fear to make any choices, which I'm realizing is not what the Lord wants me to do. He doesn't want me to be afraid to make choices. The whole point of coming down to earth was to have the opportunities to make choices.

And here's my next big realization for my life: it's okay to make mistakes. Yeah, well, I probably should have learned that a long time ago but in my paralyzing of doing the wrong thing, I've decided that it's better to not do anything at all to avoid making mistakes. Big fail. 

What I'm realizing in myself is that I spend way too much time thinking what other people's opinions of me are and that they matter. It sounds dumb but sometimes I think they are thinking about me and what I'm doing with my life and secretly judging me. That sentence just made me laugh because first of all, I'm not that amazing for people to be thinking about me all the time, and second of all, people are thinking about their life more anyway, right? (This is just an example of how twisted our thinking can be. My Mom has been telling me this for years but I'm starting to learn it. Don't worry, Mom, I'll get there!)

I sometimes avoid social gatherings because I dread the question of "so what do you do all day?" Well frankly I don't know because I'm still figuring that out. Is that okay? It's hard not to feel this constant judgment hanging over your head. It causes a lot of anxiety and that is something that I know I need to work on. It's been something that manifested itself more than anything when I was 18 working at job where I got yelled at almost every day. I would have to hold to the kitchen counter and take deep breaths because I didn't know what was coming over me. Even though I don't have those exact emotions now, fear, doubt, and constant worry just seem to be a constant daily battle. Let's just say I've been wearing a lot more "war paint" as Austin would call it (aka my mascara running on my cheeks). :)

This is turning into a rather depressing post (sorry!) but something I do know is that every time I'm going through a trial, there is something I need to learn from this. It's so hard to see it in the moment but I always look back with a "oh yeah, that's the reason why I needed that trial." My mind immediately looks back on my awful skin issue situation, which I was PLEADING to be done with. But not until a year later did I receive an answer. And as much as I hated that issue in my life, I'm so grateful that it happened. It was probably the only way for the Lord to give me a wake-up call and tell me I needed to change some things in my life. And who knows how that answer will be manifested even more down the road. 

Deep down, the hardest part about figuring out what to do with my life is that the life I envisioned is not being fulfilled. I've always wanted to be a mom but here we are going on month five of fertility treatments. I just really didn't see myself ever having a career outside of being a mom (I know some "aspiring Mormon women" would just shake their heads at me and tell me that I should have done more with my life and prepared better) but well, that's my life. I'm not giving up hope. We've only just begun and the assurances from the Spirit are real and powerful. 

Here's what I am doing with my life: I'm holding onto covenants for dear life, like I've never had before. Going to the temple reminds me that it's going to be alright in the end. I'm a girl that needs a lot of reminders and hearing the words in the temple is my safe haven. I reflect the time I served as an ordinance worker in the Rexburg Temple as my saving grace. I felt like I was doing good, fulfilling work that the Lord was really pleased with. I felt at home, comfortable, totally in my element. I'm also trying to study the scriptures, cherish priesthood blessings, be a good friend, and help those in need. 

We'll be in Moscow for about seven more months and I hope I'm not defined for the rest of my life by what I did (or didn't) do in these months. It may happen that at the end of our time here that I still don't know what I'm doing with my life or that I'm still not pregnant, but hopefully I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. 

And that I made a lot of mistakes. 

*Do you relate? Have you been ever paralyzed by fear of making the wrong or right choice?