Comparisons and the Fear of Judgement

Comparisons and fear of judgement have been on my mind a lot. I just listened to this BYU devotional about this very thing. And that's exactly what comparison and fear of judgement naturally tend us to do: think more about ourselves. And in effect, I do less for others because of what it might look for me.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and instantly when I got off the phone, I felt the pangs of the thought, "I'm not doing 'life' right." "What she is doing is better, I should be doing that", and this never ending cycle of not feeling enough.

My sister and I had a similar conversation last week about comparisons that the world has kind of determined for us that skinny means beautiful and fat does not. Or that growing old is not attractive, etc. But what if we're completely wrong about that? What if we've just not allowed ourselves to believe anything else? My thought was that I think we hold on to these ideas because if we think that there is this standard then when we get there we can somehow feel enough or that we're okay. Or on the flip side, it's almost like we can sigh a side of relief when we compare and say, 'well at least I'm not like them.' 

Of course there is also the devastating of a false standard to make us think we're not enough or okay. But thus we decide to hold this standard so once we get there, then our feelings can change. But we're always going to find something else because getting 'there' is never going to make us feel anything. Only our thoughts.

I've compared myself relentlessly ever since I was little. And I know if I look for it, I will for sure find it (hello social media).

Comparisons and fear of judgement just stand in my way from actually doing important work. And there is nothing like mothering that tries to send you blaring signals that someone else's kid is doing it right. Let me just give you a train of thought I had recently about this.

I have a friend who I haven't seen in a few months and I was htinking about inviting her to storytime (something we used to do together) or to a game night with the Relief Society sisters. She has one son who is 10 days older than Dallin. He's been walking since June. Dallin still won't go of our hands when he wants to walk. So immediately my brain went to, 'well, if you invite her to storytime, you're going to have to face being judged because Dallin is so much farther behind in development than him. So it's best not to invite her because it just sounds embarassing to admit that you're child still doesn't know how to walk.'

Logically I know this ridiculous but that is how brains work! They make you think up some crazy story.

I loved hearing a coaching call where she always answers her brain, "ok, maybe, and so what." So yes, my friend could judge me, so what?

And aren't kids the best? Dallin wouldn't care one lick that he wasn't walking and that his friend was. He probably would be glad to just to see a different face than his own mother! I have to remind myself that this kid knows what he's doing in terms of development. He does things on his own time and he's not worried one bit about rushing, as I sometimes do. He's not thinking about how come other kids his age are walking and not him. He just does his thing.

That's what I want to do. Just do my own thing. Have my back on who I am, compare myself only to my own progress, and be excited about other people's success. Because we're all on one big team, racing against sin. What a wonderful thing it is to take part in what good things people are doing. I can benefit from the good they can offer.

Being Proactive vs. Reactive

Pretty much anytime I listen to a new Brooke Snow podcast, it always seems to be what I have been thinking about lately and/or I just need to write down a blog post on my thoughts. The latest one on Increasing Agency was all about being proactive vs reactive. Like with my phone, am I proactive or reactive with it? How about when you're around your kids and they do something you don't like?

She says that once you allow you space in your brain, you are more likely to be proactive than reactive. It's just a small pause that can make the difference. 

Basically in this age with information overload, we are cluttered with tabs on our computer (guilty for sure) and so we are bouncing from one thing to the next. Or we are constantly stopped in our day from pings of notifications on our phone (again, guilty). 

I've really cut back on what my phone is used for but it's still almost always near me. I'm guilty of checking it just to see if somebody text or Marco Polo me. 

And podcasts are amazing and useful and taking online courses are so valuable but when I don't allow myself to break away from these things, no matter how 'good' they are, my brain will tell me it's too much. 

I've experienced this several times. It seems like all day I am plugged in somehow. Then by dinner time, I'm making dinner, listening to a coaching call, and trying to feed my baby and my eyes get all heavy and my brain feels like it's on the fritz. It's like it's yelling at me, 'turn it off! Take a nap! I need a break!'

Currently I'm reading Walking on Water by Madeleine L'Engle which is all about reflections on faith and art. It dawned on me that these were reflection essays so clearly there needed to be 'reflection time' during the day or night. She couldn't have been plugged in constantly. There is no way she could write such beautiful essays without deep contemplation. 

I had this realization that if I don't allow my brain to process and think deeply about all the good I'm receiving, then it's like it's in a cloud (not icloud mind you;) and I've just allowed it to take up space in my brain without making time to process it and take what I really need for myself. 

I think I'm going to try and unplug from 9PM to 9AM. And make sure in those hours, that I meditate, read scriptures, journal, and let my mind wander and think. 

Allowing my brain a pause is a small thing that I hope will reap great benefits.

What other things have you tried to unplug that have been helpful? 

Are All Problems Created by Our Thoughts?

I've been in Jody's program for 18 months and I still get new, or not so new, information that resonates and finally sticks.

I was listening to an elite member coaching call about a lady who had two children and was thinking about trying for a third one but she had some drama about it. Both of her previous pregnancies were really easy so she is worried that this one will be different, specifically that it will be hard and challenging. She's also seen family and friends who have had complications with their pregnancies recently and she thinks that because her life is going so smooth that now it's her turn to go through the hard stuff. 

But Jody pointed out that her life is going so smooth right now because she's made it that way. Not what's going on or not going on in her life. ALL challenges, problems, hard things in life are because we think they are problems. It's all from our thoughts. She told her that those family and friends have certain thoughts that make their situation a problem. Which is fine (and sometimes you want to have those thoughts for various reasons) and it doesn't diminish what they're going through but her client could have the same thing happen to her and she could think of it totally different.

And it's totally possible that this client could have something happen with this pregnancy that will be challenging than the other ones but she'll deal with it when it comes. And she can totally handle it. She can think of it in a different way than one of the brain's default of 'this is not how my life was supposed to go.' 

Two instances I've been thinking about that relates to this situation. Dallin has been an 'easy' baby but when I describe certain things he is or isn't doing to other people they have a different reaction to like 'wow, that must be hard.' See? Circumstances are neutral. The problems are created by the thoughts we have about them. I'm telling myself this while my baby is going through teething fits right now. :)

Or when they find out how easy he is they say, 'just wait till you have the next one.' Guys, I totally get it can be completely different. But why can't I decide to be up for it. All of it. And why worry now when that does me no good for the future? I'll deal with it when it comes. 

The other example that has been on my mind a lot with this scenario is my wisdom teeth. I recently saw the oral surgeon for a consultation and let's just say there is a lot of unknown about what could happen with my bottom teeth. This is like the perfect scenario to help me manage my mind around decision making and worry about the future. Two things my brain is very good about focusing on, which ironically keeps me stuck. 

The top for sure will come out. I'm 'old' for wisdom teeth age so the longer I wait, the harder the recovery. And because of my old age, the bottom teeth are more connected to the nerve which will bring almost certainty of numbness to the bottom lip/chin area, either temporary or permanent. Right now, the bottom teeth aren't necessarily a problem because they don't have cavities and such but if they did develop a cavity, I would need to get it out plus the tooth next to it. 

I'm pretty certain I just want the top two out and wait on the bottom teeth. If I was able to not develop cavities down there from 6 years of not seeing a dentist, I'm hopeful that I can keep it that way, especially since I'm taking way better care of my teeth than before. 

Now, do I know that there is a chance I would need to get further surgery in the future? Absolutely. But then I would deal with it IN THE MOMENT. We can always handle what's right in front of us. What's more scary is the future. What could happen. But worrying about it doesn't prevent it from happening and sometimes it never does. So why feel terrible about it right now? 

An example of this was in Moscow we found out that our lease was up and we needed to move out of our apartment because we didn't renew it in time. We had so many people tell us that moving to a specific apartment when we didn't have a full time job was a bad idea and they gave us all these scenarios of what could go wrong. I was in a blockage and wrote my situation to Jody on her platform. This was her response:

"The timing of the apartment and the job is going to work out perfectly. 

Isn’t that a relief? 

You’re welcome. 

When people invite me to worry about things in the future that I couldn’t possibly predict I politely decline by believing the opposite of what they’re telling me to worry about. And guess what…. it always works. The future ALWAYS works out. Sometimes not in the way I expected but it always does and I keep all the power over creating my future, dealing with challenges and it’s the best way to live. 

Another thought I would be having if I were you is, “It might be hard for most people to get out of a contract but not me. I’m not most people. I will make it happen if necessary.” 

The invitation to worry comes from the right place but it’s still not necessary or useful. I would like to invite you to not worry one bit."

And you know what, it did work out perfectly. Almost too perfectly. We put up our contract for sale and had so many people ask to come look at it. And we had someone take over it two days before we needed to leave. And we got our whole deposit back. Amazing, right? 

I am continuously working on my thoughts and it's never a done deal but getting some of these concepts to stick has been so good for me. 

What's worked for you lately? 

*I write these blogs for the purpose to help me flesh out my thoughts on what I'm learning. If you don't agree with anything here, by all means, throw them out. We get to believe whatever we want and these thoughts just serve me best. But I totally understand that they're not for everyone. :)

What I've Been Loving Lately

Prixm-this is a new app 'by the people, for the people' type app. It's all about telling your story. It's a way to connect with friends and family like social media but it's intentionally much different. They purposefully try to make it so you weren't caught up in the time sucking, comparison driven, advertisement overload that happens with instagram and facebook.

 I've been using it since September and really really like it. Hardly any of my family or friends are on it and I'm the only one who posts so it's not necessarily a way for me to see what others are up to but more as a great platform to keep memories and experiences alive. 

I love that I get to post a picture whenever and it will know the day that picture/video is taken so your story will show up chronologically no matter when you post. Or you can put a picture/journal entry there and select the date that it happened. You can upload a picture from your ancestor with a date in the 1800's if you wanted!

 I can put pictures, videos, audio, and journal entries on here. I can upload them and make them personal so only I can see them, private so only my private followers can see, or public so anyone can see. I also love that there is no numbers of followers that you have or who you're following. You also can't see that on anyone else's either. I haven't utilized the group function much but I think it's similar to group me and I think would be a fun way to connect as well. They are constantly uploading new features and I'm excited to see this take off. 

Brooke Snow: I'm a huge fan of Brooke Snow. I love her book and podcast and then she did this episode with Spiritually Minded Mom and I've listened to it twice. So so good. I've never thought of prayer the way she does. 

Minimalist Baker recipes-I have been making tons of her recipes lately. They are some of my favorite. Like this quinoa fried rice. 

Big Love, Small Moments by JJ Heller-another new song by JJ and its superb. 

Philo-a streaming service like Netflix that has all three Hallmark stations on it. It was the way we watched all the Hallmark Christmas movies (our favorites were The Christmas Secret and Once Upon a Christmas Miracle). But we'll probably keep it because it's Hallmark, duh. ;)

Dallin's favorite picture books right now: The Pout Pout Fish, Jamberry, Barnyard Dance, Pajama Time, and Barnyard Banter. We read these every.day. 

Looking Back at 2018 with Intention

He's the best thing that happened this year.

In Jody's coaching program this month, the topic is about looking back with intention. Part of the homework is to write down things we accomplished this year. This ranges from so many ideas. She gave some examples so I thought I would write my own. This is not a 'look-what-I've-accomplished-moment' but it got me thinking about how we underestimate how much good we've done in a year. 

On my list are some big and some relatively 'small' on a day-to-day basis.

-Moved/packed/cleaned while 18 weeks pregnant to another state.

-Taught about 50 kids through Vipkid

-Did prenatal yoga about 60 times

-Birthed an 8'10'' baby!!

-Traveled with a 6 week old to two different states for 2 weeks

-Read 93 books

-Wrote 36 blog posts (when I was brainstorming this, I thought I only wrote 15-see, totally underestimated myself)

-Sent out 50 Christmas cards

-Taught 6 young women lessons

-Got coached live 1 time

-Been to about 8 Refit Revolution classes

-Practiced physical therapy exercises about 60 times

-Made around 270 homemade meals

-Did laundry about 40 times

-Read to Dallin about 700 times
-Nursed Dallin about 4500 times

This is just a start but this gives me empowerment for 2019 to set small daily habits so by the end of the year, I can look back and see how 'small things became great.' 

What would be on your list? 

The Emptiness from Constant Consuming

I just listened to a Ted talk by Cal Newport, the author of Deep Work, and it was all about quitting social media. I had a conversation with my sister yesterday about how our attention span is so short and we are constantly drifting to checking our phone or doing the next task. I'll admit that I've given up many books not only because I wasn't interested but I think it was partly due to the brain power it required and it was too much. 

I've also noticed that I'm a skimmer. Not only with books but with scripture. I'm not sure if I've developed this habit with trying to read as many books in a year as possible or if I'm just used to doing that so much with small bites of twitter feeds, glancing over someone's long post on instagram, and doing a brief check on facebook. I haven't savored the words. I wonder if this also has contributed to me ditching books with beautiful prose that seem far over my head. Or putting off that classic because I could pick up a Jane Austen retelling instead. 

This morning I read from 2 Nephi 27:3 and it culminated everything I was just thinking about it. "Behold he eateth...and his soul is empty." In the margins previously I referenced how this could be about feeding the natural man which is very true. But it seemed to hit heavier on the thought that I do a lot of consuming throughout the day and by the end, my 'soul is empty'. Doing President Nelson's challenge was enlightening and needed. But I still felt a dependence on my phone and I felt like I was constantly checking it just to check it. I had no purpose in it. When I went back on social media I was reminded that it wasn't as exciting as I thought, I didn't miss that much, and I sort of had a brain fog because I didn't realize where all the time went. 

I do love keeping in contact with my siblings but I think I've relied a lot on them posting to know what's going on. I'm trying to figure out a balance with my phone and consumption. I do a lot of consuming throughout the day (social media or group me or otherwise) with little contributing. 

I'm really considering doing a holiday fast from social media till the start of the new year starting with the Thanksgiving holiday. Ah! I've haven't done anything longer than 10 days so I'm a little nervous. Any tips? Suggestions? Who wants to join me? :)

Spending My Mind Juice

I know that we hear a lot about how many thoughts we think in a day (like 80,000 right?) and how not to 'waste' time, whatever 'wasting' means to you but I've thought about not just how I'm doing things day to day but what I choose to spend my mind juice on. We think we can multi-task but really our brains can focus on one thing at a time. So...what am I thinking the most about? And why do I spend so much mind juice on non-energizing thoughts?

For example, today for mutual activity, there is a back to school BBQ and the Mia Maids (who I am in charge over) are responsible to bring drinks. I sent a text to the Mia Maid president asking her to send a reminder text about where the girls should meet and to each bring a drink. And to let me know if they can't bring one so I can swing by the store and grab some drinks before tonight. 

The crazy thing is my mind has spent so much juice on this small little thing! "She didn't text me back...what if she doesn't send the reminder text?" "Should I text the girls instead?" "Should I just get more drinks just in case?" "What's the worst that could happen?" 

And I play around with scenario after scenario of what could happen if we show up with no drinks and how I would handle that-and what I would tell my brain in that situation. In my head, specifically my higher brain, the thinking brain,  knows it's no big deal but yet I spent so much on my mind juice on this that I don't concentrate on other outlets like being present with Dallin during the day or what am I going to make for dinner.

Now that's a small example but it's something that I've been thinking about today on my walk. I was ruminating over conversations I've had with a certain person and what my brain wants to tell me it's dangerous so I need to dwell on that again and again so IF (always a big if, right?) it happens again, then I will know how to handle it. 

I'm glad my brain watches out for things that are dangerous like bears and such so I don't die but it also wants to protect me from emotional danger so it will trick me into thinking that what that person said is a dangerous thing and I should be on the lookout for more of that when I'm around them. My brain is the best detective and it will find the evidence I am seeking. 

Here's other 'nonsense' things that have been taking up my mind juice for too long: how my hair flips to one side no matter how I straighten it, the extra flab and weight I've carried from this baby, going back and forth on if I really named my kid right, what I said during my testimony of self-reliance last Sunday, and something that someone said months ago. 

It's interesting that a lot of my mind wants to stay in the past or in the future. Again it's so easy for my brain to bring up past experiences and tells me that they were dangerous and that I should watch out for future danger but really I need to focus my mind on things that really matter, at least what matter to me at the moment. 

When I was on a walk today, I had a lot of chatter in my mind. I realized I've spent too long focusing on what other people say or do and now it's time for me to observe my own brain and not worry about their behavior. I wanted to redirect my brain to focusing on gratitude and being in the moment right then. 

Here's a couple that I thought of:

I'm so grateful I live near a state park with lots of beautiful trails. I'm so lucky.

I'm grateful I have a kind physical therapist that is helping me get my pelvic area stable again. 

I'm grateful for a healthy and thriving baby boy. 

I'm grateful for my loving husband. 

If I try and let go of the unnecessary things my mind 'thinks' are important, then I can be more productive on finding creative solutions to current things in my life like finding time to exercise or how to squeeze in laundry and dinner tonight. Or what I should write in blog posts or call up that sister or friend that I've been meaning to. Or clear my mind so I can enjoy my book I'm currently reading.

I love that we get to choose our thoughts and I'm going to try and be more intentional this week on how I spend my mind juice. 

Have you felt this trap before? 

What are some good things that you like to spend your mind juice on? Please share!

*I've learned these tools from Jody Moore at boldnewmom.com

Moving to Washington

Enjoying that sun which comes out maybe once a week-ah!

Beautiful Seattle Temple

About to head out of Moscow!

Country roads that we won't see very often anymore

It hasn’t quite hit me yet that I’m a Washingtonian now and that I might live here longer than I’ve lived anywhere else. What? I only knew Oregon as a kid and had a green heart for sure and then spent 10 years in Idaho back and forth for school and getting married, Austin finishing up school, and then grad school. We came to love Idaho and I didn’t think I would actually be okay living in Idaho for a good while (except I could do without their harsh winters.) But after some time in Moscow, I knew we were going to leave and I started to feel like we needed to. It was probably because we got comfortable and we would settle for a job that wasn’t right if it meant we could stay there. I just knew that wasn’t the path we were supposed to take. It was hard though, because, even though there isn’t a lot there, we absolutely loved it. The ward, the people, the area, the small town feel, just felt right at our level. 

I think I grew to love it more when I started playing basketball twice a week with some ladies in the area, mostly those from our stake, and the friendships I had with some of them. Two of those girls, Amber and Wendy, I just kept giving them hugs and hugs on our last Sunday at Church. They were some of the best people I met there. I made sure to give a hug to Warren Bone, Amber’s son that was in our CTR 6 class, because if I wasn’t already married and he was 20 years older, I would totally marry the kid. ;) He is the cutest! And he brought a lot of comic relief to our class. 

Let me just say that this whole month of craziness between Austin’s 2nd interview, Christmas, Hawaii, and packing up has been full of tender mercies and miracles. 

Back it up even further, last July, we knew we wanted to stay in Moscow while Austin finished up a few loose ends with school and look for jobs. We wanted to stay in the ward and found it was crunch time to settle on a place and move in. The only place that worked where we could move in right away was just down the street from where we lived. It was a little more expensive but still doable. The problem was is that it was a year lease and we didn’t know when Austin would get a job and when we would move. I was so anxious, especially since many family members told us how worried they were that we would have to keep paying the rent if it didn’t sell and how risky it was. But after doing some thought work, we still decided to go with the apartment, praying that it would all work out. I wrote more about that experience here. 

Once we found out we got the job, we fasted in January about our housing situation both to sell our apartment and to find a good place when we moved. Austin put up the ad on craigslist while we were in Hawaii and by the next day we had 5 interested people. The thing is people have to physically come see the apartment before they sign any lease. That dwindled our numbers considerably. But with the pressure of moving quickly after getting back from our trip, we didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. On Sunday of the week we were leaving a young man came to see the apartment. But because he was an international student with no social security number, we didn’t think it would be likely for him to get the apartment. The next day was a holiday and that morning another man called and asked to come see the apartment right then. They just needed something temporarily before him and his wife bought a house. They were in the military so paying for the apartment was no problem. They went right away to the office (thankfully they were open) and applied for an apartment, got approved, and the next day they signed the lease. It was a miracle! We decided to leave on Thursday that week so to have that all squared away just days before we left was amazing. 

We also felt it was a tender mercy to see dear friends before we left. We had Katie Brown over for dinner and games on Monday, Ahmad and Marwa came to visit and gave us a waffle iron as a parting gift (they are so generous!) Sarah Geddes helped me clean a bit in the afternoon and that was fun to see her. Wendy Johns took me out to lunch the day before we left. I’m going to miss our chats! Then that night Ahmad and Marwa came again and helped us move furniture and cleaned the apartment. I really couldn’t have cleaned the apartment without Marwa. She was a big help! I always think it’s not going to take me that long but it’s always longer than I expect. Our little thank you to them was buying them pizza for dinner and giving them leftover food from our fridge. Ahmad still made us a lemon cake and brought it that night (and he doesn’t own a car so he walked in the cold to do that.) Again, they are amazing. We also had some great help from the men in the ward to help us move. I kind of got teary-eyed the next morning after we handed in our keys and were driving down the Main Street for the last time. I was thinking about my fun experiences this last summer working at the farmer’s market and loving those little shops and loving this town. It will have a great place in our hearts. 

Me and Katie

It took about two extra hours longer to get to Portland because we were towing our car but it worked out. We had some help getting the piano from the Vances into the truck and it was so fun to see Tiffany, who was tending the Vance kids, before we left. It was great to hear about her and Asher’s experience being in Orlando for Disney World and Harry Potter World.

And just like the miracle of finding someone to sell our apartment, the 2nd apartment we looked at we wanted. We jumped on it quick and we got it and moved in the following Wednesday. We were in the hotel from Friday to Wednesday but it all worked out. We did a lot of exploring in the meantime and found some great trails and places to shop and of course stopped by the libraries and bookshops at any chance we got. But I was pretty disappointed on Tuesday that we hadn’t gotten approved yet. It didn’t help that it was pouring rain that day and so Washington wasn’t looking all that lovely at the moment. Let’s just say it’s been a while since we’ve seen sun. Ah, how do people do it around here?! And how did I do it growing up in Oregon? I guess you just live with it. 

We did have some wonderful sisters in the ward help us move smaller boxes up our two flights of stairs and then the missionaries came to help us move the big stuff. Austin did a ton unpacking as well. Austin really has carried me through this whole move. He’s done so much while I’ve been exhausted and lying on the couch. 

I think the weirdest thing is being here is not a temporary thing. I’ve only known after high school being in a place for a couple of years at a time tops. I haven’t quite gotten out of my head that this could be more like 5-10 years. But Washington, here we go!

But hey, we have a cool fireplace!

Austin's first day of work

Me at 19 weeks. It's like I woke up and there was finally a little bump there. It's been fun to feel the baby a little more.

What A Difference A Year Can Make

I'm starting to write this in early November but it probably won't be published till December.

So back in February I wrote this post in response to a lot of frustration I was feeling about my life in general. And I received so much good feedback and advice that I needed to hear. It was exactly what I needed so thank you!

To back it up even further, a few months prior to that post, I was generating a lot of resentment to God, to some people, and to myself. I was in a selfish mode of "why, why, why" with what was and wasn't happening in my life. I was a mess for sure.

But to where I am now is like night and day difference. I'm still a work in progress but to be able to come to some peace with my life is amazing.

Here are some thoughts that I've tried on that have helped me to get where I'm at. Again, still have a ways to go and it's a never ending process but here are some thoughts that have really stuck with me. 

-What other people think about me is none of my business.

-I allow people to be wrong about me. I know people will judge me so I just allow them to because they will be wrong about me.

-Everything that has happened in the past is exactly how it should have gone.

-I can figure this out. Things are figure-out-able.

-I can find fulfillment and purpose in my life right now. I don't need to wait for a circumstance to change that.

-The universe is constantly conspiring in my favor.

I know I've mentioned Bold New Mom a little bit in the last few months around here but thanks to my sister, Alice-Anne, for introducing it to me, it's become a real eye opener to me about how much my thoughts affect everything in my life. I kind of thought life coaching was weird but in some ways it just feels like therapy minus the diving into your childhood part. :)

So I'm in her coaching program and she has what she calls "ask Jody" section and it's anonymous and you can ask anything you want to her and she responds. Some people have started sharing success stories so I thought I would too. Here's what I wrote.

_______________________________

Jody, I wanted to share a little success story I’ve had in the last couple of months.

I’ve held on to this belief that my source of joy and true fulfillment was to be a wife and mother. But motherhood didn’t come as readily as I hoped and there were some barriers in the way that made it difficult for a few years. Since being in your program, you coached a girl who was in a similar situation of just wanting to be a mom and you asked her the question, “if you got to be a mom, what would you feel then?” Her answer was very similar to the one I would have said, “that I would be fulfilled and happy and purposeful.” And you asked, “why can’t you feel that right now?” My husband and I were both listening to the call and I was like ‘woah, that’s what I needed to hear.’ I was kind of putting my life on hold for this magical day of motherhood to happen and I was kind of resentful that it wasn’t happening when I wanted it to. I was resentful to other family members who had no problem getting pregnant and a little resentful towards God.

But hearing that call and so many other insights that you have shared, it’s all stuck with me and I’m constantly trying on these thoughts and solidify them in my brain. I started to think of my life as purposeful and fulfilling and that I could still find so much joy in my life. I remember one night making pizza and waiting for my husband to come home and thinking “man, I love my life.” It was so empowering and I would say a spirit filled feeling. I did feel joy and that feeling had stayed with me probably because I was starting to see evidence of that in my life. Well crazy thing is I ended up getting pregnant not long after and I know that getting pregnant just added to my joy that I was already experiencing. And the timing was perfect. The whole journey was EXACTLY how it was supposed to go. It was such a peaceful feeling.

I know that my mind wanted to say, “well if you tell this story to your family and close friends, they probably won’t believe you because you had such negative feelings about it before” but it’s not their job to understand, right? They don’t have to believe it and I’m good with that.

Thanks Jody for your coaching and doing what you do. My baby is due right before my year membership is up so that might be the perfect time to renew it because I’ll sure need more help. 🙂 Thank you again!

______________________

Yep, that's right. Baby Doutre due on June 24th. We are so excited! (I will share more of my thoughts in another post of my feelings just before I found out I was expecting and some tender mercies that went along with that but just wanted to share this first!)

Fall Life Through My Phone

It's been little while since I've done an update so for history sake, here we go.

Labor Day Hike

Unfortunately there was so much forest fires in the area both here and across the western half of the US. It's crazy that at the same time Houston was experiencing their major flooding. The polar opposites going on.

With all the fires, it was hard to get out much near the end of summer to do anything outdoors. We did make it to the pool near the end of August (the first time that summer, isn't that blasemphy?!) and we had so much fun seeing our former neighbors. Their two little girls hung on to us the whole time.

But during Labor Day weekend, we ventured to Kamiak Butte for a hike. It was more smoky than anticipated but still good. And because I own no shorts, hiking in skirts in the way to go! It's the new thing, didn't you know?

And needing to stop by our favorite sandwich shop afterwards is a must.

In the middle of September, we loved stopping by the local fair. Austin especially loved visiting with the recycling guys at their display table. We also saw one of my friend's quilts...people's talents: amazing.

And I couldn't resist taking a picture of Multnomah Falls. Always makes me long for home.

Austin has been reading a lot more, mostly through audiobooks, on his commute to the school. But he got sucked into The Mysterious Benedict Society books and is anticipating reading the next one. He's also read The Wright Brothers, The Notorious Benedict Arnold, and he's in the middle of Last Days of Night. I read the latter recently as well and really enjoyed it. It's about the war of electricity between Edison and Westinghouse. Who really invented the light bulb? It's like the equivalent of Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates. There's a movie coming out this fall called "The Current War" which highlights this story of Edison and Westinghouse and it's got Benedict Cumberbatch so of course it's gotta be good. Excited to see it. 

Speaking of Austin, he passed the FE (Fundamental of Engineering) exam! On to the next step to being a professional engineer. He put in a lot of hours studying. He's also done a lot with career fairs and applying for jobs. Just the other day he emailed a VP of a company to get information about their company and they had a good chat yesterday. That takes guts and proud that he's putting himself out there. The job waiting game is frustrating and exciting with every new city he brings up as a prospect. 

On Friday the 13th our friends hosted a Murder Mystery Night. They created the whole game and had about 4 other couples with specific characters too. As part of the game, they had us all go the stake adult dance. It turned out to be more fun than I expected once we let loose on the dance floor. ;) My favorite thing was watching this old lady do the cha cha slide. Worth coming for that. 

Because the sun goes down so early, I told Austin we needed to have our going on walks earlier in the afternoon because the trees! So gorgeous. I drive by this area a couple of times a week and I have to restrain myself from pulling over all the time and taking pictures. It's hard to capture the beauty in a tiny frame but I love this area. They know how to do fall right. 

And more pictures of this fall. I love this bush which I call the rainbow bush. On this later in the evening walk, we turn the corner and with that sunset Austin yells, "SIMBA!" 

And now watching the snow fall outside is making me miss fall already. #pleasecomeback #notreadyforwinter

That One Time I Met Eowyn Ivey

Don't mind me, just trying to hold my coat between my legs. 

Sometimes wandering on the internet can prove to be providential. 

I was looking up information on our local county fair and it led me to our city's website. There they had a list of main events that month and as it was scrolling it said that Eowyn Ivey would be coming to the Book People! I freaked out slightly (okay a lot) because one, I thought I missed it, but two, because it's Eowyn Ivey! 

I read her first novel, The Snow Child, back in January and fell in love with it. It sums up what a good reading experience is for me. Where you feel everything in that book. It's going to be a re-read every winter for sure. 

I hurriedly bought the book online but feeling rather guilty that I didn't buy it from my local bookstore. After hearing from Eowyn about her love for local bookstores and what it does to getting the word out about books, it made me want to support mine more. 

The Book People is such a cute store as well. Apparently it's the oldest local bookstore in Idaho, represent! ;) 

There was quite a big crowd for the event considering the size of the bookstore. People came some great lengths to hear her speak. Check out the photo she took here. Can you spot Austin and I? 

Ok, Eowyn was so genuine. She kind of reminded me of my sis-in-law Dani. She was so fascinating to listen to. The purpose of the book tour was to talk about To The Bright Edge of the World. I read this book earlier this summer and really enjoyed it but not as much as The Snow Child. I really wish I read the book after hearing her speak (isn't that how it always goes?) 

She told of how she came upon articles written from this voyage and took some liberties with the story so it wasn't just a re-telling. I loved the character Sophie in it and she read a part from the book when she tried to steal a copy of the book on obstetrics. Gave us all a good laugh. 

In The Snow Child, she mentioned that Mabel was a rather depressing character to be in her head for 3 years so she was so grateful once Esther came along. I think that inspired her not to make Sophie a down-in-the-dumps type character. :) 

If you've read To the Bright Edge of the World, you'll know that there is some pictures and maps in there.  Even though she made up the Wolverine River, her and husband took an excursion down a similar river that she imagined to be the Wolverine River. She captured some photos of that journey and some of them are in the book. 

They wanted to know if she would want to do the audio version of her book. She felt the task very daunting and did her absolute best but was really fine if they decided to go with someone else. Luckily for her, they chose several professional narrators to take the place and she is much happier because of that. I didn't realize how extensive it is to get an audiobook recorded. 

There was time for Q&A. People wanted to know how she became a writer and she said it just stemmed from being a reader. Her family would all come to the dinner table with books. She worked in a local bookstore and came across the Russian folktale that inspired The Snow Child and then came across the articles from the bookstore as well to come up with To The Bright Edge of the World. 

She attributed local bookstores for the success of The Snow Child. A random bookstore decided to give it a chance. And it took off from there and it became a Pulitzer Prize finalist and published in many languages and soon to be a musical. She said no one would have known about her

being some young writer from Alaska but having a bookstore take a chance on her was what made all the difference. 

People asked if she was working on something now and I love her response: "I'm not bored yet. I have some ideas in my head but I can't really get down to the writing process until I'm really bored." She's in the middle of about 6 books and she introduced me to authors that I was not familiar with (now I can't remember!) She does a lot of audiobooks as she is commuting her children to and from school. 

I did get the book signed from her and told her it was my favorite read this year. She really was a delight to be around. I can't wait to read more of her work.  

The best part about these events is you sit next to a stranger, ask what they're reading, and exchange email addresses so you can send recommendations. Book people are the best people.