What A Difference A Year Can Make

I'm starting to write this in early November but it probably won't be published till December.

So back in February I wrote this post in response to a lot of frustration I was feeling about my life in general. And I received so much good feedback and advice that I needed to hear. It was exactly what I needed so thank you!

To back it up even further, a few months prior to that post, I was generating a lot of resentment to God, to some people, and to myself. I was in a selfish mode of "why, why, why" with what was and wasn't happening in my life. I was a mess for sure.

But to where I am now is like night and day difference. I'm still a work in progress but to be able to come to some peace with my life is amazing.

Here are some thoughts that I've tried on that have helped me to get where I'm at. Again, still have a ways to go and it's a never ending process but here are some thoughts that have really stuck with me. 

-What other people think about me is none of my business.

-I allow people to be wrong about me. I know people will judge me so I just allow them to because they will be wrong about me.

-Everything that has happened in the past is exactly how it should have gone.

-I can figure this out. Things are figure-out-able.

-I can find fulfillment and purpose in my life right now. I don't need to wait for a circumstance to change that.

-The universe is constantly conspiring in my favor.

I know I've mentioned Bold New Mom a little bit in the last few months around here but thanks to my sister, Alice-Anne, for introducing it to me, it's become a real eye opener to me about how much my thoughts affect everything in my life. I kind of thought life coaching was weird but in some ways it just feels like therapy minus the diving into your childhood part. :)

So I'm in her coaching program and she has what she calls "ask Jody" section and it's anonymous and you can ask anything you want to her and she responds. Some people have started sharing success stories so I thought I would too. Here's what I wrote.

_______________________________

Jody, I wanted to share a little success story I’ve had in the last couple of months.

I’ve held on to this belief that my source of joy and true fulfillment was to be a wife and mother. But motherhood didn’t come as readily as I hoped and there were some barriers in the way that made it difficult for a few years. Since being in your program, you coached a girl who was in a similar situation of just wanting to be a mom and you asked her the question, “if you got to be a mom, what would you feel then?” Her answer was very similar to the one I would have said, “that I would be fulfilled and happy and purposeful.” And you asked, “why can’t you feel that right now?” My husband and I were both listening to the call and I was like ‘woah, that’s what I needed to hear.’ I was kind of putting my life on hold for this magical day of motherhood to happen and I was kind of resentful that it wasn’t happening when I wanted it to. I was resentful to other family members who had no problem getting pregnant and a little resentful towards God.

But hearing that call and so many other insights that you have shared, it’s all stuck with me and I’m constantly trying on these thoughts and solidify them in my brain. I started to think of my life as purposeful and fulfilling and that I could still find so much joy in my life. I remember one night making pizza and waiting for my husband to come home and thinking “man, I love my life.” It was so empowering and I would say a spirit filled feeling. I did feel joy and that feeling had stayed with me probably because I was starting to see evidence of that in my life. Well crazy thing is I ended up getting pregnant not long after and I know that getting pregnant just added to my joy that I was already experiencing. And the timing was perfect. The whole journey was EXACTLY how it was supposed to go. It was such a peaceful feeling.

I know that my mind wanted to say, “well if you tell this story to your family and close friends, they probably won’t believe you because you had such negative feelings about it before” but it’s not their job to understand, right? They don’t have to believe it and I’m good with that.

Thanks Jody for your coaching and doing what you do. My baby is due right before my year membership is up so that might be the perfect time to renew it because I’ll sure need more help. 🙂 Thank you again!

______________________

Yep, that's right. Baby Doutre due on June 24th. We are so excited! (I will share more of my thoughts in another post of my feelings just before I found out I was expecting and some tender mercies that went along with that but just wanted to share this first!)

I Hope I'm Not Defined By These Seven Months

Documenting every blood test/treatment

There was an article on lds.org today that really resonated with me and I just wanted to give it a big AMEN! It's about trying to find what God's plan means for your life and how to not worry about making the wrong or right choice, but to create a good life with the Lord. 

This topic has been on my mind a lot. Pretty much ever since we moved from Rexburg over two years ago. My constant worry is "what should I be doing next?" "What am I supposed to do with my life?" I ended a job a few months ago so here are some possible ideas: go back to school, get a job (besides the babysitting I'm doing), volunteer, work on projects (be it piano, hand lettering, new painting idea), etc. 

I'm sure there are people who are like, "duh, Julia, it's kind of obvious that you should x,y, or z." But for me it's so hard. It causes me so much anxiety just thinking about it. 

I'm so scared about making the wrong choice that I'm paralyzed by fear to make any choices, which I'm realizing is not what the Lord wants me to do. He doesn't want me to be afraid to make choices. The whole point of coming down to earth was to have the opportunities to make choices.

And here's my next big realization for my life: it's okay to make mistakes. Yeah, well, I probably should have learned that a long time ago but in my paralyzing of doing the wrong thing, I've decided that it's better to not do anything at all to avoid making mistakes. Big fail. 

What I'm realizing in myself is that I spend way too much time thinking what other people's opinions of me are and that they matter. It sounds dumb but sometimes I think they are thinking about me and what I'm doing with my life and secretly judging me. That sentence just made me laugh because first of all, I'm not that amazing for people to be thinking about me all the time, and second of all, people are thinking about their life more anyway, right? (This is just an example of how twisted our thinking can be. My Mom has been telling me this for years but I'm starting to learn it. Don't worry, Mom, I'll get there!)

I sometimes avoid social gatherings because I dread the question of "so what do you do all day?" Well frankly I don't know because I'm still figuring that out. Is that okay? It's hard not to feel this constant judgment hanging over your head. It causes a lot of anxiety and that is something that I know I need to work on. It's been something that manifested itself more than anything when I was 18 working at job where I got yelled at almost every day. I would have to hold to the kitchen counter and take deep breaths because I didn't know what was coming over me. Even though I don't have those exact emotions now, fear, doubt, and constant worry just seem to be a constant daily battle. Let's just say I've been wearing a lot more "war paint" as Austin would call it (aka my mascara running on my cheeks). :)

This is turning into a rather depressing post (sorry!) but something I do know is that every time I'm going through a trial, there is something I need to learn from this. It's so hard to see it in the moment but I always look back with a "oh yeah, that's the reason why I needed that trial." My mind immediately looks back on my awful skin issue situation, which I was PLEADING to be done with. But not until a year later did I receive an answer. And as much as I hated that issue in my life, I'm so grateful that it happened. It was probably the only way for the Lord to give me a wake-up call and tell me I needed to change some things in my life. And who knows how that answer will be manifested even more down the road. 

Deep down, the hardest part about figuring out what to do with my life is that the life I envisioned is not being fulfilled. I've always wanted to be a mom but here we are going on month five of fertility treatments. I just really didn't see myself ever having a career outside of being a mom (I know some "aspiring Mormon women" would just shake their heads at me and tell me that I should have done more with my life and prepared better) but well, that's my life. I'm not giving up hope. We've only just begun and the assurances from the Spirit are real and powerful. 

Here's what I am doing with my life: I'm holding onto covenants for dear life, like I've never had before. Going to the temple reminds me that it's going to be alright in the end. I'm a girl that needs a lot of reminders and hearing the words in the temple is my safe haven. I reflect the time I served as an ordinance worker in the Rexburg Temple as my saving grace. I felt like I was doing good, fulfilling work that the Lord was really pleased with. I felt at home, comfortable, totally in my element. I'm also trying to study the scriptures, cherish priesthood blessings, be a good friend, and help those in need. 

We'll be in Moscow for about seven more months and I hope I'm not defined for the rest of my life by what I did (or didn't) do in these months. It may happen that at the end of our time here that I still don't know what I'm doing with my life or that I'm still not pregnant, but hopefully I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. 

And that I made a lot of mistakes. 

*Do you relate? Have you been ever paralyzed by fear of making the wrong or right choice?